Saturday, July 31, 2010

Hurray for Prozac

Prozac finally kicked in!! Took about a week and a half.  Finally, my sense of humor is back.  I'm also 5 days in to quitting smoking again.  Craziness brought me 2 cartons of cigarettes and 10 of the 20 lbs I had lost.  I hate my brain!  On the bright side, Prozac works for me, and it's a generic med that's easy to find.  If this happens when I'm on the road, it will be an easy and inexpensive fix. 

I was doing my countdown to departure 4 days ago, during a meeting at work.  I've been saying "in 2 years" since I started my planning.  Now, I'm < 2 years (21 months) from departure!! 

I have a new obsession.  I'm not admitting this to anyone else except blogland.  I can't believe I indulged in this guilty pleasure.  I actually purchased the live feed for Big Brother 12.  I'm so nosey and I love watching people interact, it's just made for me.

Hope everyone is well.  I've got to catch up on the blogs I follow during my next days off.  Working today and tomorrow. 

Grateful for:
  • Psychiatric drugs that help keep my brain in line. 
  • Freedom to live my life in an RV if I want to
  • 2 crazy dogs that make me smile every day
  • Nicotine lozenges so I can quit smoking
  • Support I have in blogland
Take care and be gentle with each other. 

Sunday, July 25, 2010

I'm Still Here

All is well.  Me and the crazy dogs are doing fine.  I'm just sticking to the basics for now and I'll be back soon. 

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Checking in and Counting the good stuff

Just a quick post to thank you for positive vibes.  Still waiting on Prozac but feeling more stable (still smoking too UGH).  I traded 2 hour overtime today, so I could work from home instead of going to the office.  Take care, be gentle with yourselves. 
  • good paying, steady job. 
  • being able to work from home.
  • books on tape that make me smile
  • gotta LOVE those goofy dogs
  • air conditioning

Saturday, July 10, 2010

I Sold My Fish Tank, Can I go now?

He showed up, with cash & a strong friend.  4 hours later, it was ALL GONE.  Fish tank, corals, snails and all the stuff that goes with them, have gone adios.   The tank and stuff will have a good home.  He's got the whole basement set up with lizards and turtles and fish OH My!    Now that the white noise is gone from living room, I've noticed a few things.  My toilet runs on, I can hear my computer fans, and my fresh water fish tanks make noise too LOL.

Feels like I'm a big step closer to hitting the RV road :0)  Working today... I'll see you all around BlogLand
  • Working from home
  • Sold the saltwater fish tank
  • Good job so I can get my debts paid off (the friend that came to help with the fish tank move is moving slate to make ends meet.  He's an out of work architect)
  • No kids, so I can get on the road as soon as my debts are paid off
  • Living in a country where I'm free to do what, when I want. 

Friday, July 9, 2010

Life Goes On

How much would I love to read blogs and play computer games on my day off today.  Hopefully, sometime between 1200 and 1500 today, the guy will come to get the fish tank.  This big thing in in my living room... It sits on the wall that is shared with my bedroom.  Ever since I decided I would be getting rid of it, seems it's gotten louder and LOUDER and LOUDER.  The water pump and the gurgling water...  Time for it to GO.  He left me a $100 deposit and has called to confirm this will be the day for pick-up.  Fingers Crossed.  I have some picking up to do today, before he gets here.  I'll let you know how it goes. 

I can't thank you all enough for your comments.  So MUCH we all live with.  One of my current favorite songs is "Sounds Like Life to Me" by Darryl Worley.  Things happen, we roll with the punches.  When I get to feeling overwhelmed I keep remembering something a friend used to say to me.  "Sorry, You're Just Not That Special".  It sounds evil, I know.  He's not saying I'm not valuable or I'm not a human being with great contributions to make.  It's more along the lines of "S**** happens" or "it's always something".  Every Single trial, tragedy, occurence, thought, has been dealt with or experienced by someone else before, and they got through it.  Moved on with life.  Matter of fact if you just walk around the grocery store, just look at those people, imagine what stories they have to tell.   Feeling unique, leads to feeling alone, and feeling alone is scary.  No need to feel alone, "you're just not that special" :0)

******  The guy just called to confirm he would be here between 1400 & 1500 ******  Looks like it will really Happen!  I've got some work to do. 

Take care out there in BlogLand.  Be gentle with each other. 

  • Music that touches my heart
  • Goofy dogs that keep me smiling
  • BlogLand friends
  • The guy who is excited about coming to get the noisy aquarium monster that is currently living in my living room.
  • COFFEE the one vice that I don't have on my list to give up

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I am Not Alone!

Hard, hard, day.    My family knows my history, but if I talk to them, they may become overly concerned.  My close friends know, but I'm really not wanting to interact.  You, however, are my special friends I can talk & talk and even if you decide not to listen (stop reading) I'll never know or have a hurt feeling :0)

I had a weird night, didn't sleep well, having odd dreams.  Not bad dreams, just odd dreams that kept waking me up.  I sat down to work kind of feeling off, but o.k.  It was one of those days that I was feeling overwhelmed.  One of the days I tell myself, it's o.k. if you don't buy an RV and hit the road, you can stay right here and live as you are.  Pay off your debts and loose some weight and stay right here with your good job, your nice home and your crazy dogs.  It's fine.  I took my first four calls and it hit me....  OMG!  That horrible depression is back! It hit me all of a sudden.  Depression is so hard to describe.  It is the deepest heartbreak, a hole with no light, the biggest feeling of helplessness and just plain hopelessness.  The feeling that everything is SO WRONG and it can NEVER be made right.  It's more than just emotion it is an ache to the depths.  It isn't even panic for me it's just overwhelming sadness and despair. Right down to the tips of my pink little toe nail. 

I've had episodes of depression on & off throughout my life.  3 years ago, I hit the wall and almost committed suicide.  I had been plugging along, fighting it every day, and it just clicked.  My brain said it was time, I was done, I didn't want to play, I didn't want to live that way anymore. 

I was close to suicide one other time.   The phrase that stopped me was this.... "If you could do absolutely ANYTHING ELSE besides kill yourself what would it be?"  That was the day I dropped out of college and tried to join the Air Force because I thought I needed discipline to solve my problems.  Thank the good Lord for a recruiter that let me take the admission test and then gently told me how much the Air Force could really use me but I needed to loose 30 lbs before I could join the military.   I could go work on that and he would contact me in a few months :0)  I continued my melt down at my parents home, that night.  Told them I had dropped out instead of killing myself (how could they argue with that?).  Within 2 months I had found a job and moved out.

3 years ago, my answer to that question that saved me before was... nothing.  There is nothing to be done that can make this better, I'm Done.  I've been to a therapist 2 other times in my life.  Both coincided with situations in my life that were difficult.  I had a goal when I went into therapy.  Get In, Get it Fixed, Get Out, Get On with it!.  This time there was no situation that was wrong, nothing to fix, it was just all HORRIBLE and HOPELESS.   That night I hung on long enough to recognize I could go to the emergency room, without doing damage to myself and I could be safe there.  I decided I could hang on long enough to make an appointment with some sort of shrink.  I couldn't go to the emergency room because I would be there a long time and there wasn't anyone to feed the dogs.  That lead me to realize that I shouldn't kill myself because my dogs would freak out if I left the house and didn't come back.  My crazy dogs saved me :0)  Now who's the crazy one in this house??? 

Needless to say, I found a psychiatrist & a psychologist, got started on a box full of medications.   The psychiatrist walked through my history, showing me each episode of severe clinical depression I've had over the course of my life, and told me I would probably have to be on medication for a long time.  Evidentally, episodic depression get's worse as we age, and once you've had 2 episodes, it's just about guaranteed it will happen again.  I was a good patient and stayed on my pharmacy of meds for > 2 years.  I had irritating side effects that got worse as I stayed on the medications.  I finished my therapy and I tapered off the medications slowly.  I watch closely for signs I'm sliding into the abyss.  I've been doing well. 

I had forgotten that smoking increases seratonin & dopamine in the brain.  That's the reason you will often see schizophrenics chain smoking.  I quit smoking 2 weeks ago.  My brain is not fond of having less of these neuro-transmitters.   How's that for a rationalization??  You like it???  :0) 

So here I sit, smoking, crying, and wallowing in my unbalanced cerebellar mess, with the crazy dogs near by.  I left a message for the Dr. to call me so I can get a Prozac prescription called in.  That's the med, with the least side effects.  Excercise will increase the good brain chemicals too (that's how I got out of the other bad depressive episode).  I'm really going to try to get that started.  Exercise has been a sticking point for me since I started all this life change planning RV thing.  I have NO excuses. I just don't do it. 

Now I get to the Title of my post.  All of those thoughts that come with depression are made worse when I feel very alone.  I can say I know I am not alone.  I may pull back from people in the rest of life, but not blogland.  I mean how much safer interaction is there?  I write what I feel, when I want and I can edit in my time.  I can imagine all the people reading it, or not reading it.  No one can talk back unless I want to hear what they have to say.  Even better, I've made a couple of friends out here in blogland.  I've never met them face to face, but they are friends I like, nice people.  Some of them I know because I follow their blogs, some of them I only hear from occasionally. 

Please send good thoughts my way.  Put me in your prayers if you're into that.  These feelings BITE and clinical depression SUCKS but I know what it is and I know what to do.  The crazy dogs and crazy me will be o.k. 
  • Selective-Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors
  • I have a Dr. to call that may call in a prescription without me actually having to go in to the office (fingers crossed)
  • I ALMOST FORGOT...  I have a deposit on the fish tank, I sold it, guy is picking it up on Friday (fingers crossed) 
  • Working from home (having today's melt down at work would have been embarrassing and I would have had to leave work)
  • Blogland friends... I know I'm not alone! (how hokey is that?...  insert eye rolling here)

Monday, July 5, 2010

Precious - Based on a Novel by Sapphire

I tried to watch it well.  I was attentive.  I watched the added stuff on the DVD.  I'm sure it is a wonderful movie.  I am not the one that can appreciate it.  The movie is for people that have moved further in their journey.  I only made it 30 minutes into the movie before I couldn't stand it any more.  So now I will try...  "God Grew Tired of Us".  A documentary about children that survived amazing craziness and ended up in U.S. trying to find their way.  I'll let you know. 

Friday, July 2, 2010

Flip Flops are the new Wine?

I came to a problem yesterday.  I was getting off work from a busy but not horrible day, I had the next day off and I wanted to give myself a treat.  Usually, that means I pick up a bottle of wine and some junk food.  Settle in to watch a silly or very emotional movie.  The problem is...  I'm not smoking and if I want to continue to be a non-smoker, I need to stay away from alcohol for now.  The drinking part of my brain is intimately involved with the smoking park of my brain.  My brain, drinking, is an impulsive place who's favorite line is "what the F*&@!".  It would smoke, in a heart beat.   I'm also working on my weight (20 pounds down so far), which means, no Junk Food.  So what kind of treats do I look forward to now?

One suggestion I got was to pick up some flip flops?  Several other people agreed that would be fun.  I guess they are cheap and easy to find and come in all types of fun designs and women like to get new flip flops.  I pass a Target on my way home..  So I guess flip flops were an option?  I don't shop.  I, especially don't shop for clothes and shoes.  Please refer to the previously posted pick of my feet!  They are more paddles than feet and can be difficult to fit.  My summer shoes are a pair of Birkenstock sandals I've been wearing for years.  When they wear out, I order another pain online.  They are not cute but the are comfortable and functional.   Even if I found a pair of cute flip flops that would fit... looking at my newly pedicured toes in new fun flip flops by the light of a silly movie..  just didn't sound like the kind of relaxing, fun, evening I am looking for.    I didn't stop for the flip flops. 

Other suggestions were a new computer game (maybe), Wii game (too much activity for a relaxing night), movie (but I have netflix), or cooking up a healthy/easy chinese meal (I'm not the 'cooking is fun and relaxing' kind of gal), or picking up a new craft project I could start (I love to start them but finishing them is not my strong point :0).  I liked the craft project idea but I wanted something I could do in low light (remember the silly movie?)

What did I do?  I know you are waiting to hear! 

As I got closer to Target, I became concerned I would get junk & booze (this is a Super Target that sells both) since that is part of my routine.  I really didn't want to deal with the people & traffic anyway.  I decided to take a different road home than I usually do.  It was a BEAUTIFUL evening and I was driving with all the windows down.  I never realized how many people smoke in their cars!!  I can smell a cigarette smoking 50 feet away now lol (is it bad that I wanted them to get closer and blow the smoke my way??).  I stopped and got some junk food close to home.  Got home, ate, and went straight to bed.  Not an exciting end to the story.   The good part is that I now known this is a tripping point.  Next time I will be prepared.  I will have a plan for a place to stop to get a computer game or craft project on my way home.  I think I'll leave the cute flip flops to other ladies :0)